If you’re anything like me, you know that being single is ridiculously satisfying.
Long nights alone, dinner and a movie by yourself, no one to share in your experiences or to have by your side. It’s the life! If you’re currently single, I don’t have to say another word.
But if for some strange reason you’re in a committed relationship, looking for a significant other, or even worse, married, you’re clearly in need of some motivation to join us on the happy side.
Being single as f%#& has many perks. Although it’s not always easy or clear how to become that single, i’m here to help.
The Steps To Being As Single As Can Be
1. Do not have the courage to approach or ask out any stranger that you are interested in.
If you see someone sitting across from you at a restaurant, in class, or at work that you are interested in do not approach them, talk to them, and most importantly, do not get yourself positively noticed by them at all.
Instead, continue to fantasize about them from afar without actually getting past your fears and putting in the work to make them notice you or start any kind of a relationship. The key here is to continue to stay in your comfort zone and not act on any of your impulses or fantasies towards this person even if they contact you first or decide to notice you.
Do not give them any inclination that you are actually interested in them. In fact, act differently than you normally would in almost any other situation. Ideally, you are going to want to avoid almost all social situations in general. These include:
- Going out on weekends
- Going to your friend’s dinner parties
- Social events thrown by your school or work
- Any place where you could possibly get noticed by a potential mate
In short, become a recluse.
2. Become utterly repulsive.
If somebody that you would like to potentially date does somehow start taking interest in you or wants to start spending time with you despite your reclusive efforts, you have to completely ruin it and turn them off towards liking you. Do the opposite of what you would normally do and don’t be yourself at all.
Everyone knows that being yourself is the worst possible way to start a relationship.
You need to do the complete opposite of what’s expected in any kind of social situation. When the person approaches you, proceed to not be able to understand anything they say and forget the human English language entirely.
Completely forget the fact that you know how to talk or put together coherent sentences. Try these advanced techniques:
- Babel like an infant baby when attempting to speak to them
- Stare down awkwardly during the entire interaction
- Arrange your body and hand placement in a confused manner
Generally be as awkward as possible.
This will make them snap right back into the fact that they should have never been interested in you or continue trying to pursue spending time with you.
Your repulsion should be as strong as a magnet. Other humans should notice how awful you are from a distance.
As an added bonus try insulting them or a member of their family. It helps to cement the fact that they never want to speak to you ever again.
Forget how to be a normal functioning human altogether and you will succeed.
3. Destroy your body, mind, and spirit.
Lastly and most importantly, you’ve got to start participating in extremely self-destructive behavior.
These can be things like:
- Drinking until you black out
- Locking yourself indoors
- Strongly cursing regularly
- Being negative about everything all the time
- Binge watching entire seasons of shows on Netflix
Although, to keep things simple frequent complaining is generally accepted as the best option. Complain about any and every single thing that happens to you all of the time.
Other people love that.
If friends and family try to reach out and tell you that life is alright, and you don’t have to worry, be sure to physically threaten them and project all of your insecurities towards them without hesitation.
When you participate in as many negative mental and emotional behaviors as possible this will not only ensure that nobody talks to you or shows interest in you ever again, but will also prevent you from meeting anybody in the future.
Who doesn’t want that?
But Really Though….
Of course being single isn’t all that great. If you read through this shaking your head up and down the whole time you’re either a sociopath or lying to yourself as an emotional and psychological defense mechanism.
If you are single, and you feel like there isn’t any hope for a happy future with a partner or that your life is missing a huge piece of something, you’re not alone. That’s a reasonable internal dialogue.
The problem however, is not that you’re single. The sadness, lonliness, or emptiness you feel while you are single is only a symptom of a bigger issue.
You need to develop more self love and esteem.
With those two as a foundation of your actions, thoughts, and decisions, lasting or major negative emotions about yourself don’t really exist.
There will be the occasional feeling of wishing that you had someone or envy of others currently in relationships. But for the majority of the time, that self-love will allow you to develop and practice patience until the right person and situation come along.
Trust me. You’re good.